| Author | Message | ||
| jennifer vanburen
New member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 16 Registered: 10-2005 |
REVISION: Kim gets the red dress I get the sequined jeans. In the window I catch a glance tight stretch denim, flared legs, my palms press down my bottom and damn look at that I do have the hips of a woman! Historically disguised by androgynous Levi's, these low riders with mirrored vines that bloom on thigh twist around knee and spill leaves over my ankle, god how they accentuate my curves! John stops to speak with me after church. He presses his cheek to mine and holds holds holds on many moments longer than if my husband were here. Since his wife passed he takes all the skin-to-skin contact he can get. It is the only thing that comforts him. He told me this at the coffee place after we first embraced. I promised he can have my cheek as long as he needs it and he takes it every Sunday. White whiskers bristle. Usually he holds his breath but today I feel the heat on my neck. As we talk he has trouble keeping eye contact. It must be the jeans. Perhaps the shiny objects are distracting or he is thinking damn where did those hips come from or maybe in the sequin reflections he caught himself growing old alone. ~~~original~~~ Kim gets the red dress I get the sequined jeans tight stretch catch a glance in the window and palms press down my bottom and damn look at that I do have the hips of a woman usually hidden under straight leg loose fit androgynous Levis but these low ride flare legs with a mirrored vine that blooms on my thigh twists around my knee to ankle spills it's leaves god how they accentuate my curves! John stops to speak with me after church. As always, presses his cheek to mine and holds holds holds holds on many moments longer than if my husband were here. Since his wife passed he takes all the skin to skin contact he can get. It is the only thing that comforts him. He told me this at the coffee place after we first embraced and I told him he can have my cheek as long as he needs it and he takes it every Sunday. White whiskers bristle. Usually he holds his breath but today I feel the heat down my neck. As we talk he has trouble keeping eye contact. It must be the jeans. Either the shiny objects are distracting or he is thinking damn where did those hips come from and how do I get my hands on her soft fertility or maybe in the sequin reflections he caught himself growing old alone. (Message edited by annaswirls on December 29, 2005) (Message edited by annaswirls on December 29, 2005) (Message edited by annaswirls on December 29, 2005) www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3529 Registered: 07-2003 |
Jennifer, loved this well written poem,and neat ending too.My cat has just come in and treated me to a lotta lovin,now he is trying to add to this message  .Have a good christmas. | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 531 Registered: 10-2005 |
Jen- this is a fine poem. The tenderness and the innocence rings true throughout. there is so much there and so much left out- just like these kinds of friendships. One nit- In the first two lines I felt a little left out not knowing the character of Kim and the relationship to her, or why you would mention her at all. I would consider thinning that beginning to get right to the meat of the story. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6050 Registered: 07-2001 |
A poem for the short list, but I agree about the start Kim gets the red dress I get the sequined jeans I do find the jeans odd for church, but then I'm a flannel guy. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed http://www.lulu.com/content/178110 . The Dawg House http://garydawg.blogspot.com/ . December's FireWeed http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 3603 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Jennifer Very nice work! This is a memorable piece that captures somehing real. I do agree with Lazarus that you might cut to the chase faster and trust you to edit the piece which I think will help focus an already fine poem. Good luck, Jennifer. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2824 Registered: 12-2003 |
Jennifer, enjoyed. I've recently been introduced to those low rise jeans, not only curve creating, but comfortable. Got my hubby's interest and I wasn't even trying! Agree with changing the beginning, who is Kim? She doesn't seem necessary here. Love the ending!  K | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3655 Registered: 07-2002 |
Jennifer--this is a strong piece. You captured me throughout. Agree with the other posters regarding Kim. She isn't pivotal here--but the narrator and the man are. A well drawn portrait. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 393 Registered: 08-2004 |
Wonderful poem, Jennifer! Check your "it's".. needs to be "its". Keep Kim, personally, I like the assumptions. And congrats for a fine poem!!! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| jennifer vanburen
New member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 17 Registered: 10-2005 |
Thank you for the time and attention to this poem. I have not been home and have had little computer access, but wanted to send my appreciation. I will print out the poem and comments and work on the poem the "old fashioned" way Happy Almost New Year! Jennifer (a flannel girl) www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 592 Registered: 10-2005 |
Jennifer- dear, do you know that you poem was picked for poem of the week at this board? Look in essential oils for the post Admins pick for poem of the week! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| jennifer vanburen
New member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 18 Registered: 10-2005 |
Thank you Lazarus for pointing me to essential oils. I am flabbergasted and very pleased  www.mannequinenvy.com |
